On Gender

I have a non-binary child.

I've been thinking about writing about it for awhile, and the time is now. One important note: I am not a expert; I am a mom.

First of all, in spite of what one might think, people didn't  start talking about gender identification last year.  It may *feel* trendy and it may be something that you never thought about until last year or the year before but that doesn't change reality.

It’s not a trend. It’s not new. What’s IS new is that it has entered a current moment of conversation. 

So my non-binary child legally changed their name this year. Yes they use they.  Now I use they. I used to teach writing and grammar, so I understand about plural and singular pronouns. Is it "hard"?  One may perceive it as hard, but honestly, there are lots of things in life that are only as difficult as you make them, and this is one. If adjusting your language to respect what someone is asking for in the name of mental health is the most difficult thing you're doing, then you have a really easy life. In other words, get over it

Here's my position. This is MY KID. I love my kid. My kid says; "I identify using they, which isn't exactly right but I'm figuring it, so bear with me." So I say; "Okay, I’ll use they."  Which I do.

I have friends who say to me: "You NEVER slip, using they" which I wish was true.  I do slip sometimes and the kid and I have had to talk about this.  At first, they took it as dismissive and disappointing when I slipped. But we've progressed. We've had to work it through.

The last few years have been hard.  Getting appointments during a pandemic has added a layer of stress on top of the usual, but I am unbelievably grateful to be living in Massachusetts where we have access to amazing medical care and resources. So many people don't.

As I've entered this journey with my child and gotten myself educated, it's been heartbreaking reading the stories of what trans and nonbinary people have endured to be themselves. Going broke just to get medications and surgeries. Living double lives to be safe. 

I am so proud of my beautiful, creative kid. This kid has bloomed in the past year. Finally able to express themselves with their clothing, make-up and hair, their joy is simply contagious. And as for the hair! I have told them that I need help with my hair! Their ability to cut and color is amazing --and they certainly didn't get that gene from me. 

If you're wondering about how much I worry about them, the answer is: more than I'd like to.  Parents worry; that's our job -- but this is different. Any parent watching their child go out the door  who worries that their child may be a target just because of how they look gets it. And there is plenty of that going around. It's partly why I wanted to write. 

As we know, representation matters. It won't fix everything but getting an understanding that the world is more than we know -- or certainly, more than we've seen in media and perhaps even been directly told -- can begin to open minds. We need open minds. 

If you haven't thought much about folks who are non-binary, I would ask you to keep your heart open. 

Life is too short not to get a chance to be yourself. That's true for all of us.

Peace.